A couple can have differences in their level of libido, expectations, and preferences, but in my opinion, that doesn’t mean they have sexual incompatibility. As a sex therapist, I have found that when there is interest, willingness, and connection between two people, a healthy sexual relationship among them is a matter of learning about the other, communicating needs, working together on discovering what’s missing, being creative in designing their “compatibility.” Working together in developing erotic menus (which are as open as flexible as they need to be) almost invariably ignite their sexual desire and improve their sexual life.
The first step is to keep in mind that neither partner is wrong for how frequent or infrequent they desire sex. Placing an expectation in relationships that because two people stimulate each other mentally and emotionally that they also are ‘supposed’ to want the same things sexually can negatively impact the wellness of the relationship. Seek a couple’s counselor who specializes in sexuality to aid in identifying and revising cognitive distortions including– “My partner ‘must’ want sex every time I do or I am not attractive enough.” A professional is a great resource to help couples come to a compromise on what a happy and healthy sex life looks like for their UNIQUE relationship. (more…)